it’s a feeling without recourse

but felt


I’m stuck and reeling after every encounter

there’s no reason

no justifiable reason

for being


incredibly overtaken

but it happens


Every tiny gesture

each momentary encounter

I’m pulled further

and further



I try to climb out

but I can’t

so, stuck


There’s a darkness and confusion

a sadness and despair

so far away from every other aspect of me

It’s conflicting

this feeling

it conflicts with logic

there’s no place for both but there’s no escape


so, stuck

I think and scheme and wish it away

this feeling

part of me gives in


part of me aches for the source

but I can’t

and logically

I know I won’t


get close


I don’t want to

But logic disappears


was never a part of the decision


has no grounds for where

the heart

and mind

and soul wander

I just wish they wouldn’t


so far from home

All around me there’s praise

and compliment

and love

and adoration

I feel adored

I feel respected and honoured and appreciated and seen

but not seen

because I’m not seen

by him

so what’s the point

And this continues to drive me

out of my mind

and away from my peace

and into a perpetual

place of never knowing

never showing

half hoping

but logically

knowing all along

It’s not for me

it never was

It came about uninvited

and stays too long

like an unwelcome house guest

using the good towels

taking the good spaces

in my home

my mind

and turning it into something else


It’s based on nothing

and everything

and so frustrating

there’s nowhere to go

nowhere to turn

no one to talk to

there’s no choice that satisfies this feeling

there’s just no place for this


so, stuck

over and over


it’s a matter of waiting

it out

of removing myself

deleting conversations

staying away

and disappearing


into myself

into a shell of this feeling

in hopes

it will not persist

Out of sight

out of mind

but the mind holds firm


What’s worse!

Knowing it’s on me

only me

there’s one side

and that’s all

it’s staring at a closed door

asking it to let you in

though you know

you’ll never walk though


There’s no waiting

on the other side

across the room

across the line

there’s no returned heartache

no encouragement

no signal

that all of this is for something

It’s all on me

in me

suffocating me

So, stuck

and perpetually


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