stuck

Crazy

it’s a feeling without recourse

but felt

nonetheless

I’m stuck and reeling after every encounter

there’s no reason

no justifiable reason

for being

so

incredibly overtaken

but it happens

nonetheless


Every tiny gesture

each momentary encounter

I’m pulled further

and further

down

Falling

I try to climb out

but I can’t

so, stuck

nonetheless


There’s a darkness and confusion

a sadness and despair

so far away from every other aspect of me

It’s conflicting

this feeling

it conflicts with logic

there’s no place for both but there’s no escape

either

so, stuck


I think and scheme and wish it away

this feeling

part of me gives in

slowly

part of me aches for the source

but I can’t

and logically

I know I won’t

ever

get close


Logically

I don’t want to


But logic disappears

here

was never a part of the decision

and

has no grounds for where

the heart

and mind

and soul wander

I just wish they wouldn’t

wander

so far from home


All around me there’s praise

and compliment

and love

and adoration

I feel adored

I feel respected and honoured and appreciated and seen

but not seen

because I’m not seen

by him

so what’s the point


And this continues to drive me

out of my mind

and away from my peace

and into a perpetual

place of never knowing

never showing

half hoping

but logically

knowing all along


It’s not for me

it never was


It came about uninvited

and stays too long

like an unwelcome house guest

using the good towels

taking the good spaces

in my home

my mind

and turning it into something else

entirely

It’s based on nothing

and everything

and so frustrating

there’s nowhere to go

nowhere to turn

no one to talk to

there’s no choice that satisfies this feeling

there’s just no place for this

here

so, stuck

over and over


Waiting

it’s a matter of waiting

it out

of removing myself

deleting conversations

staying away

and disappearing

myself

into myself

into a shell of this feeling

in hopes

it will not persist


Out of sight

out of mind

but the mind holds firm

regardless


What’s worse!


Knowing it’s on me

only me

there’s one side

and that’s all

it’s staring at a closed door

asking it to let you in

though you know

you’ll never walk though

anyway


There’s no waiting

on the other side

across the room

across the line

there’s no returned heartache

no encouragement

no signal

that all of this is for something


It’s all on me

in me

suffocating me


So, stuck

and perpetually

crazy

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