stuck
Crazy
it’s a feeling without recourse
but felt
nonetheless
I’m stuck and reeling after every encounter
there’s no reason
no justifiable reason
for being
so
incredibly overtaken
but it happens
nonetheless
Every tiny gesture
each momentary encounter
I’m pulled further
and further
down
Falling
I try to climb out
but I can’t
so, stuck
nonetheless
There’s a darkness and confusion
a sadness and despair
so far away from every other aspect of me
It’s conflicting
this feeling
it conflicts with logic
there’s no place for both but there’s no escape
either
so, stuck
I think and scheme and wish it away
this feeling
part of me gives in
slowly
part of me aches for the source
but I can’t
and logically
I know I won’t
ever
get close
Logically
I don’t want to
But logic disappears
here
was never a part of the decision
and
has no grounds for where
the heart
and mind
and soul wander
I just wish they wouldn’t
wander
so far from home
All around me there’s praise
and compliment
and love
and adoration
I feel adored
I feel respected and honoured and appreciated and seen
but not seen
because I’m not seen
by him
so what’s the point
And this continues to drive me
out of my mind
and away from my peace
and into a perpetual
place of never knowing
never showing
half hoping
but logically
knowing all along
It’s not for me
it never was
It came about uninvited
and stays too long
like an unwelcome house guest
using the good towels
taking the good spaces
in my home
my mind
and turning it into something else
entirely
It’s based on nothing
and everything
and so frustrating
there’s nowhere to go
nowhere to turn
no one to talk to
there’s no choice that satisfies this feeling
there’s just no place for this
here
so, stuck
over and over
Waiting
it’s a matter of waiting
it out
of removing myself
deleting conversations
staying away
and disappearing
myself
into myself
into a shell of this feeling
in hopes
it will not persist
Out of sight
out of mind
but the mind holds firm
regardless
What’s worse!
Knowing it’s on me
only me
there’s one side
and that’s all
it’s staring at a closed door
asking it to let you in
though you know
you’ll never walk though
anyway
There’s no waiting
on the other side
across the room
across the line
there’s no returned heartache
no encouragement
no signal
that all of this is for something
It’s all on me
in me
suffocating me
So, stuck
and perpetually
crazy